The transfer of fate
@ Oginome Ringo
@ Takakura Himari
@ Takakura Kanba
photographer & edits @
also, thank you
for babysitting the penguinssss
much sorries for the penguindrum spam lately but i really really have to do this one on impulse although i should be assignment-ing
i was about to start my actionscript assignment (making an interactive poster based on penguindrum ofc) and while i was searching for the background music, i found this [link] and i listened and i couldn't stop crying
no doubt i am a huge fan of the show and ofc a huge fan of ringoXshouma but the underlying storyline really reflects my life a lot.. so much that i can clearly attach myself to it.
since young, my parents have always told me i'm never good enough when it comes to academics. i study hard, my grades are the best among my siblings yet they always tell me i'm not good enough because i'm not a top student. honestly, i never liked studying because i have a terrible desease that makes me fall asleep after reading 1-2pp of text 8D
but a simple thing like this, for the whole time in my 23 years of life, i never thought that it became a doctrine that applies to every single thing i do.. even when my parents finally let me study what i have passions in as a sign of apology even though they disagree to it.. i can never stop telling myself, "i'm never as good as that person", "i can never be like that person" even when i continue to push myself all the time. it felt like.. it's fate.
to make it worse, it taught me to be pessimistic in life and so insecure that i have absolutely zero confidence in myself. even when i decide to do something good, i easily crumble and fall once simply because of those thoughts. it felt like "no one understands" when im actually constantly blaming myself..
this whole year has been a year full of bad happenings in my side of life, especially when i'm about to graduate.. financial breakdown with my dad's business, my brother is failing his studies and other dramas which.. i am not comfortable with saying here.. it felt like nothing good has been happening and i'm always on my own. i thought i had someone i could rely to during all these but because of myself, i have lost that person.
it is only now, when i am at my final leg on finishing everything that i realise because of myself, how terrible i have been to everyone close to me.. especially recently.
i wish my most sincerest apology is enough to have everything be back to where it was at the beginning of the year.
i dedicate this to all my close friends here who have never doubted me and for always being there for me even though i have pushed you away and take my frustrations out on you and i will not do things on my own and blame myself anymore and tell you it's okay when it's actually not at all. i sincerely thank you for everything and thank you for making me realise that i don't have to be someone special to be loved and i am truly sorry for all the things i have done this year that caused you so much distress against me.
and to my wonderful parents who i love and miss so much, i thank you for everything, for the support and guidance, and for letting me chase my wildest dreams. even though you will not be able to attend my graduation, please take care of yourselves and may the business turn good soon. i'm sure us family of five will be together again soon after being separated for so many years in the name of education.
i promise i will do well for myself from now on and i will never forget all your support and care that is always just a step away.